Instrumental grieving

I have not written for a while mostly because I have been too busy cleaning out my house.  In the last few weeks I have been driven to systematically go through every bit of our home and deep clean, declutter, and re-organize.  I am being more brutal about getting rid of stuff than I ever have before, and it is consuming me to the point of distraction. 

When I realized that I wanted to spend every waking moment focused on this project (or collection of projects) I wondered what was going on.  Am I reacting to Oliver's death by effecting extreme change in areas I can control?  Am I trying to "fix" our house since I couldn't "fix" him?  Is it that the eternal perspective that Oliver's life cemented into me is causing me to be sick of material things and driving me to make our home as simple and functional as possible?  Am I so disoriented and tired that I just can't focus on anything except my own little projects of interest?

I was especially concerned it was becoming a grief avoidance strategy.  I've been concerned that I have not been expressing enough emotional grief because I have been crying much less than I thought I would (though I do cry), even though I think of Oliver frequently and we talk about him all the time.  So I am not avoiding the pain, but I am not responding to it they way I thought I would.  Girls are supposed to cry more, right?

Thankfully a good friend passed on some valuable information about grieving styles that was very affirming to me:

In their recent work Kenneth Doka and Terry Martin talk of “transcending gender stereotypes” and describe two main styles of grieving—the “intuitive griever” and the “instrumental griever.” ...

Intuitive Griever:

• Feelings are intensely experienced.
• Expressions such as crying and lamenting mirror the inner experience.
• Successful adaptive strategies facilitate the experience and expression of feelings.
• There are prolonged periods of confusion, inability to concentrate, disorganization, and disorientation.
• Physical exhaustion and/or anxiety may result.

Instrumental Griever:

• Thinking is predominant to feeling as an experience; feelings are less intense.
• There is a general reluctance to talk specifically about feelings.
• Mastery of oneself and the environment are most important.
• Problem-solving as a strategy enables mastery of feelings and control of the environment in creating the new normal.
• Brief periods of cognitive dysfunction are common—confusion, forgetfulness, obsessiveness.
• Energy levels are enhanced, but symptoms of general arousal caused by the loss go unnoticed.

Patterns, according to Doka, occur along a continuum. Those grievers/responders near the center who demonstrate a blending of the two styles experience a variety of both patterns. One pattern may be more pronounced than another depending upon the loss and the personal connection to that loss. This pattern suggests a need for even more choices among adaptive strategies than for the griever who is more fixed in either strategy mentioned above.  (from Grief Counseling Resource Guide, A Field Manual) 

Another site provided this definition:

Instrumental mourners experience and speak of their grief intellectually and physically. They are most comfortable with seeking accurate information, analyzing facts, making informed decisions and taking action to solve problems. Remaining strong, dispassionate and detached in the face of powerful emotions, they may speak of their grief in an intellectual way, thus appearing to others as cold, uncaring and without feeling. (from griefhealing.com)

While I am definitely a blend of the two, I think I am mostly an instrumental griever.  I am by nature a doer, so it makes sense that my primary processing technique is to take all the energy of the stress, fear, confusion, pain, and sadness and redirect it into a project.  I have also keenly felt the confusion, forgetfulness, and obsessiveness! 

This may have also played into why I threw myself into learning all I could about Oliver's medical conditions and managing his care in such a detailed way.  It was something I could do in the midst of all the mess. The difficulty now is that I get really focused on my project (the obsessiveness part), and it feels so good to be doing it, but I still have to stop to mother the girls and make dinner.

I think it also explains why I was driven to make and do things in Oliver's memory.  I planted a tree that Joel's aunts and uncles gave us in Oliver's memory and ended up replanting the whole front garden bed.

I ordered a photo canvas of the best picture we have of Oliver to hang next to Elsa and Nora's canvases. 

I keep working on filling up his baby book/memorial book.   I kept two of his outfits and framed them with a few of his special things.  I generally have given away, donated, or packed up all the other baby things, but I have kept these few things. 

It has been very good for me to have these projects, and I am thankful for the affirmation that my less expressive grieving is within the "normal" range of grief processing.  So that's why I haven't written in a while - I've been too busy cleaning my house!  I also wanted to write it out my friends and family to know that, even though I may not express the pain emotionally all the time, it still is consuming much of my energy and focus, even though I am redirecting it into my projects and my usual dry humor and sarcasm.  And you are welcome to come over anytime and enjoy my cleaned-out house!