How am I doing?

A few of my closest friends have asked me that recently.

That's a complicated question, and it has been a difficult one for me to answer. It depends on the day, the hour, how long we've been sitting at the hospital, how much sleep I've gotten for the last two nights, what I've been eating, how consistent I've been at disciplining the girls, how many times his alarm has gone off, and if I've been able to decide what we're having for dinner tonight. I am an actress, and it is easiest for me to respond with smiles and hope and sarcasm.

There are days, like last Sunday, when I lose it in spite of having a clean kitchen, and I am a complete mess until several hours after Joel tells me to go take a nap.

There are other days when I awake to find that my dear man picked up the house before he left for work, new flowers have bloomed in the garden, unexpected help arrives with dinner, the sisters play happily together, and Oliver wakes up for a few hours and acts like a normal baby.

But then there's another level of "How are you doing?" that inquires deep below the daily ups and downs that are present in everyone's life. Besides the bi-polar, sinusoidal extremes there is another part of the equation that describes the baseline of the heart's condition. But it can be frightening for the actress set aside the wit and sarcasm to confess the tension of what frightens her heart and what strengthens it.

I'm scared that my baby may not ever smile. There, I said it. I even wrote it. It tears me up inside and I scream in my head from the pain. I struggle with jealousy when I see other grinny babies, even though I have two healthy, precocious little girls. I am tempted with anger when, upon seeing Oliver's tubes and wires, the well-meaning dad describes how his baby had acid reflux for a few weeks. I find myself thinking that my education, organization, creativity and desire to do life excellently will get our family through this, and then I am tempted with despair and weariness when I can't keep up with the laundry or the dishes or anything and I've accidentally shattered several of our glasses from clumsy fatigue.  

But, unlike the depression that captured me years ago, these fears and temptations, though very real and present, do not consume me. They creep in and startle me on busy days and try to take advantage of my fatigue, but the peace and strength and power of God are so much bigger and much more real than these poison darts. While I am greatly concerned about our family, I am not overrun with worry. I have bad days and I succumb at times to discouragement and fear, but, praise God for this miracle: those times do not rule my heart and my spirit is at peace.  My days are still filled with wonder and beauty.

So, how am I doing? Life is really hard right now. Really hard. We are optimistic about Oliver but it's still hard.  I am exhausted, emotionally pushed to extremes every day, and learning the deep beautiful rest that comes from trusting in God's providence.  I hunt avidly for the next blessing, the next gift to add to my list.  "The Lord is my strength and shield. I trust him with all my heart, and I am helped." He is the only safe place, and that's where I try to stay. If I left I would be scared out of my mind.