Sidewalk art

Our little duplex, though less than half the size of our old house, offers many exciting features that are perfect for aspiring young explorers - a fenced in back yard! - and artists - a plain sidewalk begging for chalk murals! 

Elsa's doll

Elsa loves crafts, especially real ones (e.g. real swing, not lacing toys) that she can do mostly by herself.  She has become quite good at stitching, and after being inspired by one of our school story books, decided she wanted to make herself a doll.  And so she did!

I helped with the hair and a bit of the measuring, but that's about it!

Allergen-free baking success!

According to a blood test I did three years ago I have "delayed-onset hypersensitivity" food allergies to gluten, dairy, eggs, beef, yeast, and sugar cane.  I had eaten these things all my life, but I found that when I stopped eating them (cold turkey, hard core, really did not eat any of it, no cheating), for the first time that I could remember I had consistent and plentiful energy, fewer and less extreme mood swings, and no digestive pains.  This is not an easy diet to maintain, and since I don't have an anaphylactic reaction to any of it, I "cheat" regularly, but try to stay pretty strict in terms of what I make for the family at home (I've noticed that the girls do better on my allergen-free diet as well, but they have not been tested).

Anyway, all that as an introduction to say that I have found allergen-free baking to be HARD.  Sure, there are plenty of straightforward recipes online and it is easy to learn about all the substitute ingredients you can use, but to get a gluten-, egg-, butter-, milk-, sugar cane-free muffin to taste like what my brain says a muffin should taste like is the hard part.  So that's why the photos below are worthy of a blog post on this blog that has nothing to do with baking - I have finally had not one, but TWO successes!  I have had small successes in the past, but these two baked goods have turned out good multiple times REALLY taste like the REAL things and still taste good the next day and the next week after being in the freezer.  So I am very happy about them.  

May I present Orange Scones:

And Banana Bread or Banana Muffins:

And the only thing normal in them is the fruit, and the olive oil in the muffins! 

(I wasn't going to bore you all with the recipes, but in anyone who wants them just let me know.)

(And, to be honest, since I took these photos back in February, I have been craving everything that is bad for me - sugar, gluten, dairy, any and all of it. And I have been eating all of it.  Lots of it.  And it is probably one reason I have been feeling so tired and yucky.  I'm going to claim that it is all the baby's fault.  It has nothing to do with my emotional state of mind or lack of self control.)

Grief plays funny tricks

I decided I needed to buy Baby Girl some flowers.  But honestly they were mostly for me, because I am desperate for spring, and because I needed something to remind me to rejoice.  A few hours after experiencing elation at the good news of our daughter's health I thought of Oliver, the ring with his fingerprints on my finger, and the helium began to seep out of me.  I began swirling down into a confusing mixture of grief, shame, sorrow, relief, and a host of other conflicting emotions.  And so I did what I always do when I feel something too intensely for comfort - I stuffed it all down and stopped feeling.  I was ashamed of my feelings, their intensity, and even the fact that I was experiencing them instead of just being happy.  

But I have been learning, in great part to my darling son, that this is not healthy and will cause me to eventually implode.  It is not a natural habit yet, but I am learning to combat these emotional black holes with truth.  It is the only thing that gives freedom from their gravity-like pull on my soul.  

So I force myself to weed through my emotions ask God to help me discern truth from lies.

I am relieved and thankful that our daughter is well.  I do not want to experience the challenges of the Oliver's life all over again.  But then my breath catches and it feels like ingratitude for the gift of our son and the wealth of blessing his life brought into ours.

It feels like I am betraying Oliver or valuing him less when I celebrate the Baby Girl's health, though I know that is not the case.  Celebrating a new life does not mean that he is forgotten.  The truth is that rejoicing that Baby Girl appears to have perfect health does not mean that I loved Oliver any less because of his sickness, or that he was any less perfect for the purpose for which he was created.

I am not one to quote popular TV shows, but I enjoy Julian Fellows' writing and resonate with how he and Penelope Wilton have portrayed Isobel Crawley's grieving her son Matthew's death on Downton Abbey.  Violet Crawley, the Dowager Countess (I confess I enjoy just about anything that involves Maggie Smith), invites Isobel to a dinner party and a private opera concert.  Isobel at first declines, explaining,

“Yes, but you see I have this feeling that when I laugh or read a book or hum a tune, that it means that I've forgotten him, just for a moment and it’s that, that I cannot bear.”

Yes, it feels like forgetting, but I know that it is not, so I tell my self the truth over and over and let it, word by word, verse by verse, fight the black hole feelings that come from shame and lies and accept those that remain in a felt paradox - I can and will rejoice with thanksgiving and remember with thanksgiving.  And the truth is that we can not possibly forget - we needed Oliver - we are changed forever because of him.

After reconsidering, attending the concert, and having a delightful evening, Isobel thanks the Countess and notes how grief can play funny tricks on your thinking.  Though I think her lines were more eloquent than that.

So here's a rosebud to celebrate our new little one.  We are thankful for you, Baby Girl.  And we rejoice that you are well, and I think your big brother does too.

Home veterinary clinic

Ms. Tabitha Twitchit is a very patient cat, er, I mean patient patient.  She really did get quite sick for two days recently and gave me quite a scare, but she thankfully recovered and is back to herself again.  After she recovered the girls took it up themselves one evening to let her in the house to conduct their own medical examination and assessment of her recovery.  

She was given an assortment of shots and bandages, and it looks like she's having her blood pressure taken around her waist?

In the end I think she just fell asleep, purring from all the attention, and was finally given the OK to be discharged back outside from the doctors, who had to go get ready for bedtime.  

Spending Spree

The girls both got Walmart gift cards for Christmas - a whole $10 each!  It was more than they could hardly comprehend, having only dealt with pennies and quarters so far.  I wanted to make sure they felt freedom to get what they wanted, but it I also couldn't let such a teaching opportunity completely slip by.  Before we went to the store I asked them to draw out a list of things they wanted to look at to buy.  We talked about the difference between things that we enjoy right away for a short time (like candy, fresh flowers, etc) and things we can enjoy for a longer time (fake flowers, toys, etc.).  We also made rows of ten boxes by their lists so they could see much the items would cost compared to their ten dollars, and so we could track how much they had left.  Then, off to the store we went, and, other than answering their questions and showing them the range of options they had, I did my best to let them make their own decisions.  They had SO much fun and I think they did a great job!  I loved listening to how they were making their decisions.  Here's everything Elsa brought home:

They both chose a combination of candy and toys, and they talked to each other about how they could play with the fake flowers longer than real ones, even though the real ones were prettier (but also more expensive).  I was quite proud of them, and of myself for not trying to control and influence their decisions! (And, in case you can't tell, the fingernail polishes they picked out are completely sparkles and glitter.  I obviously had no influence on that!)

Barnaby has such a hard life

He just looks so worn out after a long day of napping and stretching and eating.