Victoria

 After Skagway we had two days at sea and an evening in Victoria.

We walked passed the docks of "house boats," 

to the historic legislative buildings,

had drinks at a pub,

and enjoyed the Empress Hotel by moonlight.

Coming home to what would have been

Our week away was wonderful and much needed in so many ways.  I hardly thought about Oliver at all.  There were a few families with small children; so few that when we did see them my emotional reaction was jolting but thankfully it only happened a few times. It was a relief to have a vacation from the grief.

Coming home was more difficult that I anticipated.  Besides being hit with the expected wave of daily responsibilities there was also the brick wall of remembering. There were the photos around our home and our home itself, plus I was greeted with this magazine cover in our mail pile:

I can't stand to look at it but I can hardly tear my eyes away.  I don't dwell on the fantasy of "what would have been."  It is like a secret painting that I am fully aware of but intentionally keep behind a closed curtain; like consciously avoiding an addictive substance.  But occasional situations or images like the one above slam down hard and I am equally mesmerized and stricken. 

They look so happy.  Elsa's hair should be darker and browner but she's got that funny expression.  Nora's really a blondie with only a bit of strawberry but she has that sweet love-y smile and she loves her babies.  But that's him.  Those blue eyes and those cheeks.  And the chubby wrists.  And the hair.  My hair never looks like that when I'm having "quality time" with the kids (or hardly ever for that matter).  But that's him.  Even those funny little lips. 

Grief is taking different forms these days for us.  There are emotional days woven in and out of our weeks, but daily living has mostly normalized around basic routines. I recognize the "grief brain" taking over when I have severe difficulty focusing my thoughts on what to do next in the day, or I dread going to bed for fear of where my thoughts will turn as I fight insomnia, or I've driven past the familiar turn three times and the girls ask "mommy, why are we turning around again?", or I find myself rudely staring at my friend's baby or rudely pretending like he or she is not there.  

The girls are well and still very matter-of-fact about everything.  They talk of Oliver (and to him) frequently; he is still Nora's imaginary companion, and Elsa loves to make new pages in her memory scrapbook for him.  I believe God uses our daughters to help us heal by keeping us focused on his promises and the truths of eternity that we explain them again and again in response to their questions.  

We have had a busy summer and anticipate a full autumn.  I am thankful for both the distractions from our grieving that have provided relief, but also for the countless reminders that painfully drag me back in to the process of growing and healing.  

At the coast with Oma and GG - Part 1

The girls got to spend a week with my mother (Oma) and grandmother (GG) at the Oregon coast - all by themselves!  They had perfect weather and the delightful freedom of not having to take naps when mommy dictated.

My mother planned the trip just right so they would hit the beach at low tide.  The tidal pools are perfect for little explorers.

After meeting the starfish, Elsa took it upon herself to close-up all the sea anemones that remained open after the tide went out. 

Nora was extremely cautious about touching anything, even after watching Elsa, but Oma finally got her to hold a small length of kelp - but just long enough for a photo!

At the coast with OMA and GG - Part 2 - rocks and kites

Besides playing in the sand, there were plenty of rocks that needed to be climbed.  But Oma told Nora that she was not allowed to climb as high as Elsa.

So Nora pouted.  

But it is hard to pout for too long when you are at the beach with your Oma and GG.  

And very soon she was just fine, and ready to fly a kite instead of pout about the limitations of being less than three feet tall.

Nora's mouth is wide open because she is singing "Let's go fly a kite" from Mary Poppins - a tune that has been a family favorite for several years.

Ok, I can't help it - here's our favorite video of Elsa singing "Let's go fly a kite" with Joel just before she turned two years old:

Elsa flies very nicely without a kite as well.

At the coast with Oma and GG - Part 3 - redwoods

On their way home they took a hike through the redwoods.  Nora was complaining about the bugs or something, so my mother tied the bandana around her neck.  I think it's pretty cute!

My mom let Elsa take some pictures on her camera, and she captured this sweet one of Nora playing possum - it wasn't even blurry!

new nightgowns

It has been terribly hard to find nightgowns for little girls that do not have cartoon princesses on them.  My mother and grandmother surprised by not only making them sweet matching nightgowns, and they love them so much they keep wanting to were them all day too!

A new garden friend

 

He's hung around for over a week and a half now in our swiss chard. 

We try to mostly leave him alone to encourage him to stay, but we do try to say hello at least once every time we go outside.